“Here’s my question, I use a laptop roughly 17 hours per day and it normally rests on my lap except for when I’m surfing porn sites. Now it seems that one of my testicles has ballooned to the size of Cleveland. Grandma says it’s radiation and the wrath of God because of the monkey spanking. I think it’s probably just one of those things (as it were) and that most people have one testicle grotesquely larger than the other. Your thoughts?”

Uncle Snarky replies……..

Dear Iben Yankanov, do you have a twin brother named Uben?

It’s obvious to Uncle that your grandmother has spent more time at the “Y” than the Village People and that she needs to be institutionalized. She’s a danger to society and she owes me “tree fiddy”.

As far as your testicles go, I can’t understand your concern. Laptops were made to sit on laps, hence the name. And we all know that radiation is our friend. I like to warm up in the x-ray machine on cold winter mornings. My coffee never gets cold!

Besides testicles can’t be that important or God would not have given us three of them. Am I right? Sure I am.

Now, go out and play. But, be careful when you sit down. Testicle explosions are not nearly as much fun as they sound.

– Uncle Snarky

We were recently on a mushroom hunting expedition. Florene loves to brew us a special tea from the ‘shrooms and then we just sit around for hours looking at the pretty colors and listening to Pink Floyd albums on the phonograph.

Well, long story short, we stumbled upon a cache of pornographic magazines and now I can’t leave myself alone. Florene is ecstatic.

My question is when I said the word “cache”, I pronounced it as KAYSH. Florene said I was a damned idiot and that it was correctly pronounced as KASH-SHAY. Which one of us is right? A beanie weinie dinner is riding on this.

The Snark replies:

Dear Snurdles, thank you for your question. On the other hand I don’t thank you for the obvious “too much information” infraction.

But the correct answer is ……. (drum roll) neither of you dumbasses is even close to being right.

The Snark grinds his teeth when he hears idiots mispronounce this single-syllable word. Say it this way ….. CASH…. you know, like money in your pocket. CASH dammit, CASH.

We are looking for a wonderful family pet that might provide some good eatin’ once we become tired of cleaning up after it. My first choice was a badger, but the wife says they leave poops the size of footballs. She suggested we buy a damn monkey. What do you think?

The Snark replies:

Dear Momsens,
You two sound like a great couple. Thanks for including the photo of Afoofa in her bikini. It reminded me that I was out of Brillo Pads.

I’ve read those same stories on the internet that say I’m a wacked out perv, and all I have to say about that is …. maybe I am, and maybe I AM. Unless you have photos, the goat thing never happened … twice.

I would love to help you find the right pet. I don’t know a great deal about monkeys. Only that they can crap while hanging from your ceiling fan and if said fan happens to be spinning, well ….. you can imagine what the walls would look like. But hey, don’t let that stop you Lars. You and Afoofa sound like monkey kind of people, you know what I’m saying? Plus, I hear that monkey tastes just like chicken. If chicken had almost the same DNA as humans, that is.

Bon Appetit!

Uncle Snarky

“Here’s my question. Ginger or Mary Ann?”

The Snark responds…..

Dear Mort, this one time, I was at the wax museum and I was sniffing glue. A chick that looked just like Hillary Clinton was coming on to me and I just couldn’t say no. We made crazy love for what seemed like hours. When the effects of the glue finally wore off, I was lying next to a German Shepherd that was smoking a cigarette. Life is funny that way.

I’ve been asked the Ginger or Mary Ann question before and I still have to answer …. Aunt Bee.

Every time I hear her say “goober”, I think impure thoughts and I just want to take her out behind Wally’s Garage and pickle her peach preserves. And if her friend Clara Edwards were to join us, well, let’s just say those granny panties would be up in a pine tree quicker than you can say Ernest T. Bass.

And don’t even get me started on Weezy Jefferson!

– Uncle Snarky –