In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man still can’t see out of his other eye

So, I woke up this morning famished from the crazy and totally unplanned sexcapades from the previous night.  I tripped over the Electrolux cannister vacuum while trying to find my way to the bathroom in the middle of the night.  I landed in such a way that, well, let’s just say that nothing sucks like Electrolux.  Sure, it started off awkwardly, but now I’m thinking about asking Ellie (my new pet name for the vacuum cleaner) to go steady.

I made my way to the local Mickey D’s for some good, old, American cholesterol raising. But somehow, lost my appetite.

That’s a bargain!  Wait.  What?

I thought, what the hell?  I’ll try again for lunch …

Ronald has some ‘splaining to do…

Well, it didn’t work out so well on the eating thing.  I figured I’d just walk around and try to find something to do to take my mind off of food … and colonoscopies.

So, I wandered downtown and lo and behold, I found just what I was looking for!

It was the grand opening (no pun intended *see above) and everything!  I practically ran through the door  and asked for a DOUBLE!

Wow!  What a misunderstanding!  Who knew solicitation for a grabber was criminal?

It’s all good though … I have 30 days to think about where my train went off the tracks …

The world is a funny place. We used to have Empires run by Emperors, then Kingdoms run by Kings, now we have Countries run by …

Does my penis make this dress look big?

So, there I was at my favorite Chinese restaurant, Poo Pings, and for some reason, my stomach felt funny.

I ran for the restroom, but got confused as hell by the signs.

Since I was wearing a dress at the time, I chose “Feman”

I could see a pair of shoes in the only stall that was there. I knew I was in trouble because my stomach was making weird sounds, like a Frenchman in a thunderstorm. I forced my way into the stall in utter desperation.

Wouldn’t you know it. The heavy chick from “Facts of Life”, my mortal enemy, was in the stall . And she wasn’t pretty. I mean, it wasn’t pretty.

 

Enemy Mine

Not only did I get kicked in the groin, but now I’m banned from Poo Pings for creating a mess in a dress under duress.

Dammit.

Another letter to The Snark.  This one is from Dixie Normous of Tightsqueeze, Virginia.

Dear Uncle Snarky,

I am a 19 year-old girl with a dark secret.  I have a mortal fear of being groped by Sasquatch.  This might sound like a small matter to you, but according to The National Enquirer, Sasquatch gropings are on the rise in the contiguous United States and parts of Guatemala.

Yet another victim! 

My mom and dad are taking our family on a camping trip, and they’re forcing me to go. They say if I don’t face my Sasquatch groping fears that I could end up a depraved sheep-shagger like you, Uncle Snarky.  I am horrified of Bigfoot touching my no-no, but I’m even more horrified of someone confusing me with you.  I don’t mean any offense, of course.  I’m sure you’re probably a very nice pervert.  Although, I still would never stand in front of you in line at Lubricants-R-Us.

So, I guess my real question is, should I risk it all and go to the forest with my family, knowing full well that I might get hairy-palmed by the Abominable Hoe Man?  I know you’ll steer me right, Uncle Snarky.  You’re the wisest, most wonderful person who’s ever lived!  

I’m sorry. That previous paragraph was total bullshit.  I was giggling my ass off whilst I was writing it.  I actually think you’re an idiot and a danger to society.  But, your opinion would be appreciated.

Call Bobo!  It’s definitely a Squatch!

The Snark replies:

Well, thank you for that vote of confidence. I’ll bet you never get tired of hearing guys say “I wish I was in Dixie”. Uncle Snarky is always excited to receive letters from 19 year-old women with dark secrets. He prefers when those letters come with filthy pics and pairs of panties, but let’s not split hairs. So to speak.

Let me start off by saying that The Snark can say with absolute certainty that Sasquatches roam among us. Spend five minutes with my wife’s side of the family and you’ll be a believer too.

If there’s one thing Uncle Snarky knows, it’s groping. I remember this one time when I was at a frat party in college. The hour was growing late, and I was waiting for the frat boys to pass out unconscious so I could rummage through their wallets. Suddenly, The Snark was beset upon by a 300-pound defensive lineman from the football team of the venerable Funk University (OLD F U). At first I was flattered. Then, I realized that the idiot thought that I was Jodie Foster! Talk about beer goggles!

I’m sorry, I lost my train of thought. But, here’s a bit of wisdom … “Making love on an escalator is a moving experience….. until your wanker gets caught in the mechanism.

– Uncle Snarky –

* If you were entertained by this post, please take the time to give it a rating!  Snarky comments also welcome!

Recently, a reader named Smoot Knudsen from Smorgasbord, Sweden wrote The Snark:

Dear Uncle Snarky,

We have heard of you, here in Europe.  Your name is legendary.  We use Uncle Snarky stories to frighten the children so that they will not ask us for books or food, or more slack.  Sometimes, late at night, I like to pretend that I’m you and I’m violating moose and woodchucks with impunity.  I giggle like that little girl on The Brady Bunch who could not say “she sells seashells by the seashore”.

Here’s my problem.  I have a cousin named Mordechai.  He’s a pretty nice fellow but he’s kind of confused.  He’s got muscles in his head that ain’t never been used.  Thinks he own half of this town.  I think I could have a song there!  But I digress.

Mordechai loves to play a game called “I’m going to kill your ass with a machete”.  He loves this game so much.  But, there’s a real downside to the game.  Every member of my family is dead now except for Mordechai and me.  I have a strong suspicion that Mordechai might be a few muskrats shy of an orgy.  Know what I mean?
I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I really don’t want to play “I’m going to kill your ass with a machete” with Mordechai.  I just can’t see it ending well.  What would you suggest?

P.S.  I want a pony.  I want a fucking pony.

Uncle Snarky Replies …

Smoot, Smoot, Smoot,

What the hell is your problem?  You have a cousin who wants to be in your life and he’s making every effort to include you in his activities and you seem so ungrateful.  I saw the picture of Mordechai that you sent and he looks like a fine fellow to me.  He obviously has your best interests at heart.

I suggest that you invite him to your house for a sleep-over tonight.  Make some s’mores and do each other’s hair.  I know The Snark never feels better than when he’s freshly pedicured, and has a head full of Dippity Do.  It’s Heaven …. whoops, I mean Valhalla.

One more thing.  Wait until Cousin Mordechai has dozed off for the evening and then chainsaw his ass into bite-sized pieces and set the house on fire.  What are you, an idiot?  This crazy bastard has watched one too many Friday The 13th movies and has caused me to urinate in my chair.

P.S.  About the pony …..   

– Uncle Snarky