Humor

Misadventure In America

Posted by Uncle Snarky on July 18, 2016
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So, I woke up this morning famished from the crazy and totally unplanned sexcapades from the previous night.  I tripped over the Electrolux cannister vacuum while trying to find my way to the bathroom in the middle of the night.  I landed in such a way that, well, let’s just say that nothing sucks like Electrolux.  Sure, it started off awkwardly, but now I’m thinking about asking Ellie (my new pet name for the vacuum cleaner) to go steady.

I made my way to the local Mickey D’s for some good, old, American cholesterol raising. But somehow, lost my appetite.

 

Mickey D's 1

That’s a bargain!  Wait.  What?

I thought, what the hell?  I’ll try again for lunch …

 

Mickey D's 2

Ronald has some ‘splaining to do…

 

Well, it didn’t work out so well on the eating thing.  I figured I’d just walk around and try to find something to do to take my mind off of food … and colonoscopies.

So, I wandered downtown and lo and behold, I found just what I was looking for!

It was the grand opening (no pun intended *see above) and everything!  I practically ran through the door  and asked for a DOUBLE!

entertaining_sign_fails_640_96
Wow!  What a misunderstanding!  Who knew solicitation for a grabber was criminal?

It’s all good though … I have 30 days to think about where my train went off the tracks …

Soap

 

 

Uncle Snarky Eats Out

Posted by Uncle Snarky on February 14, 2016
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Crossdresser

Does my penis make this dress look big?

So, there I was at my favorite Chinese restaurant, Poo Pings, and for some reason, my stomach felt funny.

I ran for the restroom, but got confused as hell by the signs.

Since I was wearing a dress at the time, I chose “Feman”

Feman

I could see a pair of shoes in the only stall that was there. I knew I was in trouble because my stomach was making weird sounds, like a Frenchman in a thunderstorm. I forced my way into the stall in utter desperation.

Wouldn’t you know it. The heavy chick from “Facts of Life”, my mortal enemy, was in the stall . And she wasn’t pretty. I mean, it wasn’t pretty.

 

mindy-cohn-facts-of-life

Enemy Mine

Not only did I get kicked in the groin, but now I’m banned from Poo Pings for creating a mess in a dress under duress.

Dammit.

Uncle Snarky Explains It All: Larynx

Posted by Uncle Snarky on February 1, 2016
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Larynx

Boobies are for illustrative purposes only and not meant as porn.  Unless you’re a total perv, in which case, it may be viewed as porn if requested in writing.

  

Few things push The Snark’s buttons like hearing someone mispronounce one of his favorite words.
 
I’m not even going to get started on the word “clitoris” which not only is apparently unpronounceable, but no man is able to find one, even with a flashlight and a guiding hand on the back of their head ………. but I digress.
 
No, gentle reader, the word to which I’m referring is another body part, the name of which apparently paralyzes far too many people’s frontal lobes (not to be confused with the ear lobes).
 
I’m talking about our friend, the larynx. I’ll admit, it’s a funny word and I always feel like I’m talking dirty when I say it. It’s titillating.
 
But dammit, if I hear one more walking cartoon character pronounce this word as “LAIR – NIX” … I’m going postal, and not in a good, get your mail on time, kind of way.
 
The word is properly pronounced “LAIR – INKS” …….. It rhymes with pharynx …… dammit, did I open a can of worms there?
 
LAIR – INKS, dammit! LAIR – NIX ….. son of a …. I mean …..LAIR – INKS!
 
So, there you are. Empowered like a mother hugger. Now go forth and talk more goodly. Go. Forth. Go.

Uncle Snarky Explains It All: Definitely vs Defiantly

Posted by Uncle Snarky on January 27, 2016
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The Snark has a hypothesis that aliens are taking people’s brains and using them to make galactic pudding pops.

I can’t tell you how many times a week I see clueless citizens who not only can’t spell, but have no idea what they’re actually saying.

For all intensive purposes, this supposably only happens to dumbasses.  Was I too pacific?

Defiantly

Lately I’ve Been Dreaming

Posted by Uncle Snarky on June 19, 2015
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Yeah, Uncle Snarky can wax poetic when he feels the need!  Dig it ….

Lately I’ve been dreaming
’bout a house and picket fence
and friendly dog

Two cats and a milkman
and a cabin up in Bangor
made of log

A wife whose smile is charming
two point three kids
and a mortgage I can bear

A red-hot next door neighbor
with whom I might find myself
in an affair

Lately I’ve been dreaming
but dreaming’s all I ever seem to do

As long as I’m dreaming
would you mind if I dreamed of you?

–  Uncle Snarky – ©2015

Dear Uncle Snarky … Gerunds?

Posted by Uncle Snarky on June 12, 2015
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Dear Uncle Snarky,

We’re having a huge debate in my high school “Human Sexuality” class.  We were discussing you, and several of the kids think that you’re androgynous and that you have no sex organs, whatsoever.  Other kids say that you have junk, but it’s really small like a baby’s.  Our teacher says that we’re all being cruel and that you probably have a normal-sized no-no, but that you have been emasculated by a society who can’t understand your genius.  

So, here’s our question.  How can a vacuum cleaner be good if it really sucks?

Sincerely,
Ms. Smegma’s 1st period Human Sexuality class, Will C. Wood High School

Will C. Wood


Uncle Snarky Replies …

Good Morning Class,

Ah, high school.  The time in a young person’s life when they have almost as many brain cells as they have zits.  It’s a magical time, sponsored by Clearasil and Jergen’s hand lotion.  I can still remember this one time when I was sitting in English class. We were discussing gerunds.  I’m not sure why we were discussing old people in English class.  But, it was not my call.

 Anyway, the teacher called my name and asked me to come to the blackboard and write down three gerunds.  Well, of course, the first three I thought of were Winston Churchill, that manly chick that starred on “Maude” back in the Seventies, and the lunch lady from our school cafeteria who lost her fake pinkie finger in a batch of fish sticks.  I remember, the girl who bit into the fake finger let out such a cry of anguish and disgust that more than half of the Freshmen ended up puking into each other’s hair.  It was glorious.  But, back to the classroom …

Vomit

While the teacher had been talking about gerunds, I had actually been thinking about boobies.  Mary Pat Zoloft’s boobies to be exact.  They were magnificent.  When she walked, they moved of their own volition, like two wolverines fighting under a blanket.  Well, because of my daydream about Mary Pat’s wolverines, I had developed what is called in polite circles, a raging boner.  I was unable to stand, much less walk.  I tried to bend over to tie my shoelace and poked myself in the eye.

boner

Wait a minute.  What was your question again?  Something about vacuum cleaners?  Uncle Snarky lost his virginity to an Electrolux Model 138, but that’s a story for another time.

Stay in school.  Don’t pull your tool.

–  Uncle Snarky –

Dear Uncle Snarky ….. Bigfoot

Posted by Uncle Snarky on June 1, 2015
Posted in: Humor. Tagged: , , , . 7 Comments

Another letter to The Snark.  This one is from Dixie Normous of Tightsqueeze, Virginia.

Dear Uncle Snarky,

I am a 19 year-old girl with a dark secret.  I have a mortal fear of being groped by Sasquatch.  This might sound like a small matter to you, but according to The National Enquirer, Sasquatch gropings are on the rise in the contiguous United States and parts of Guatemala.

bigfoot 2

Yet another victim! 

My mom and dad are taking our family on a camping trip, and they’re forcing me to go. They say if I don’t face my Sasquatch groping fears that I could end up a depraved sheep-shagger like you, Uncle Snarky.  I am horrified of Bigfoot touching my no-no, but I’m even more horrified of someone confusing me with you.  I don’t mean any offense, of course.  I’m sure you’re probably a very nice pervert.  Although, I still would never stand in front of you in line at Lubricants-R-Us.

So, I guess my real question is, should I risk it all and go to the forest with my family, knowing full well that I might get hairy-palmed by the Abominable Hoe Man?  I know you’ll steer me right, Uncle Snarky.  You’re the wisest, most wonderful person who’s ever lived!  

I’m sorry. That previous paragraph was total bullshit.  I was giggling my ass off whilst I was writing it.  I actually think you’re an idiot and a danger to society.  But, your opinion would be appreciated.

Bigfoot 3

Call Bobo!  It’s definitely a Squatch!

                                                    

The Snark replies:

Well, thank you for that vote of confidence. I’ll bet you never get tired of hearing guys say “I wish I was in Dixie”. Uncle Snarky is always excited to receive letters from 19 year-old women with dark secrets. He prefers when those letters come with filthy pics and pairs of panties, but let’s not split hairs. So to speak.

Let me start off by saying that The Snark can say with absolute certainty that Sasquatches roam among us. Spend five minutes with my wife’s side of the family and you’ll be a believer too.

Bigfoot 1

If there’s one thing Uncle Snarky knows, it’s groping. I remember this one time when I was at a frat party in college. The hour was growing late, and I was waiting for the frat boys to pass out unconscious so I could rummage through their wallets. Suddenly, The Snark was beset upon by a 300-pound defensive lineman from the football team of the venerable Funk University (OLD F U). At first I was flattered. Then, I realized that the idiot thought that I was Jodie Foster! Talk about beer goggles!

I’m sorry, I lost my train of thought. But, here’s a bit of wisdom … “Making love on an escalator is a moving experience….. until your wanker gets caught in the mechanism.

– Uncle Snarky –

* If you were entertained by this post, please take the time to give it a rating!  Snarky comments also welcome!

Uncle Snarky Explains It All: In Through The Out Door & Carts

Posted by Uncle Snarky on May 27, 2015
Posted in: Humor. 2 Comments

Two for the price of one, kids!

First, The Snark was on a trip to the land of the great unwashed, today. Yes, I went to Wal Mart. I’d rather get a Brazilian Wax than go to Wally World. Too damn many people sharing too few brain cells, and, in all likelihood, the same toothbrush.

There are two doors at each end of Wal Mart. One door is clearly labeled “ENTER” and the other, “EXIT” (or “ENTRADA” Y “SALIDA” for my Spanish speaking friends).

So, what door do the great majority of the dregs of society choose? Exactly the opposite of the one that describes what they need to do. I made an older fella swear when I had the gall to exit through the door marked EXIT. I was in his way, and he wanted to enter, but he was too stupid to read EXIT and, instead, chose to make like a salmon and swim against the current.

It probably wasn’t really necessary for me to run into him with my shopping cart and then pretend that I was a schoolgirl from Paraguay. My attempt at humor went right over his head, and his leg and his spleen. He’ll probably be alright. Modern medicine is incredible.

Second, and this one is CHAP CENTRAL for the Snark Man, shopping cart return etiquette. Why do so many people think that it’s okay to leave their shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot? Anyone who doesn’t feel like a total asshole, when doing so, really should. Because you ARE an asshole if you’re too lazy to take that damn cart the extra six or seven steps to put it in the cart corral.

Not only is there a better than average chance that your laziness could damage someone else’s property, there’s also the human decency factor. It says a whole lot about your character, or lack thereof, when you’re too much of a prima donna to take the time to do the right thing.

If I’m in the parking lot and see you doing the not-returning-the-cart thing, I’m probably gonna make a LOT of noise in pointing out your douchebaggery to anyone that will listen. If you cry and swear to never go anyplace that has shopping carts again, then my mission is completed. But, you better warn Grandma about me. I don’t discriminate based on age, sex (unless you’re doing it on my car), national origin or whether or not you have a damn Sam’s Club card.

You’ve been warned…………….

– Uncle Snarky –