Uncle Snarky Explains It All

Belva Jean Blutarskarkle, a reader from Three Way, Tennessee had this question for The Snark:

“Dear Uncle Snarky,

I was reading some of your past responses to people’s questions and I think you’re either a twisted genius or quite possibly the biggest dumbass who’s ever drawn a breath.  I can’t decide which.  Oh yes, and what is your take on science?”

The Snark replies …

Belva Jean, I’m not going to lie to you … this time.  My first instinct was to make fun of your parents, but I’ve heard they’re a couple of nice guys.  But, what ho!  Did someone say science?

I remember this one time, in fourth-grade.  We were studying, you guessed it, science.

The teacher told us about dominant and recessive genes and said that two blue-eyed parents could not have a brown-eyed child.  This set a terrible chain of events into motion as the girl next to me, Molly Hunsucker, leapt from her chair and said in a loud voice “That’s some bullshit right there!  Both of my parents have blue eyes and my own eyes are as brown as a UPS truck!”

Our teacher took this all in stride and stated dryly “Well, then you’re obviously someone’s love child.”

Molly became enraged at the suggestion and tore off all of her clothes, and most of mine, and then ran screaming from the school.

The next day we found out that Molly’s parents had been waiting for the right time to tell her that she wasn’t actually their daughter and that they’d found her behind the dumpster at Taco Bell.

Guess the right time found its own way.  So yeah … science.

–  Uncle Snarky  –

That face you make when your schlong gets stuck in your zipper.  

Don’t act like you’ve never done it!

Little Matthew Ritter from somewhere near Reading, Pennsylvania writes …

Dear Uncle Sharty,  Is it true that “keep away” is no longer called “smear the queer”?

Voted Most Likely to Take One for the Team

The Snark responds:  Matthew, what a great question!  This subject really takes Uncle Snarky back in time …

I remember this one time, I must have been, I don’t know, 27 or 28 years old.  I had the football and I was running like the wind away from all my terrible tormentors.

They were all yelling and screaming “Smear the Queer!” and “Hey Asshole, give us our football back!” and other such fun taunts.  I giggled like a schoolgirl as I ran.  I don’t mind telling you, it was one of the greatest moments of my life … until.

All of a sudden, I felt my world disintegrate into chaos.  A small pair of hands wrapped around my waist and then began to punch me right in the family jewels!  I lost consciousness. For how long I can’t be sure, but when I came to, there was Suzy Farkus.  

Go ahead, make my day … punk

Suzy was a no-nonsense kind of fourth-grader.  Apparently it pissed the hell out of her that I had taken her friends football and made my mad dash for glory.  She kicked me in the face a couple of times for emphasis and then skipped away.

I forgot exactly where I was going with this story, but to answer your question … No, sadly we can no longer play Smear the Queer.  The era of political correctness has descended upon us.  

But, the game is still played under a new name … rugby.

Arkansas Rugby Cheerleader

The Snark has noticed a real spike in conversational use of the word, “obviously”. Due to the very nature of its meaning, it should be seldom used.

But, people (sportscasters are the worst) love to open their sentences with the word “obviously”, and then go on to tell you what they already stated was obvious.

So, should we take exception to this? Should we assume that the speaker considers us idiots because he immediately goes into great detail telling us what he had just before deemed obvious?

Or, should we assume that the speaker is an idiot because he either doesn’t understand the words he’s using or he relies on “crutch words” or phrases to speak because he’s unable to think on the fly and speak accordingly?

I’m going with the latter … obviously.

This was submitted by a friend.  A modern Renaissance man with intellect and humor to spare!  Much thanks, my brother!  I will not mention your name without your consent.

Any fucking questions?